I don’t know about the rest of you, but my children seem to think that I’ve positively lost my mind when it comes to house rules. When they give me the “look” and roll their eyes. The “look” loosely translated means, “Mom, your nuts and your rules are stupid.” Anyone else know that “look”? Okay, you’ve caught me. I’m off my rocker, completely ludicrous. Yes, its true. I lay awake at night thinking up the most outlandish nonsense rules that I can possibly conjure. Why, to irritate my children of course. It has nothing to do with their safety or well-being. Why would I want to keep them safe? It’s not like it’s my job or anything, right? After years of practice, I’ve come up with a few really good ones that I thought I would pass along. Just so you can have the pleasure of irritating your children. It’s what we all live for after all.
1) No hitting, physical torture is not allowed in this house.
2) No yelling at adults, respecting your elders at all times in another form of punishment.
3) No playing in the street, just because I’m a fun hater.
4) No jumping down a flight of stairs, I know you may think that break a bone or two is cool, but I’m mean.
4) No wrapping or knotting a jump ropes around other people’s necks, yes they may look like a dog but mean ole’ Mom decided you may not strangle or kill them. Sorry.
5) No playing with fire. I know, I’ve completely lost my mind on that one.
6) No slamming doors, windows or car doors on other people. You may think crushing someones fingers is hilarious, I do not. Refer to “Mom’s a fun hater”.
7) No pushing someone off the top bunk of the bunk bed. I can’t think of a good reason why you shouldn’t do this, I’m just being mean.
8) When it is the middle of January and 9*F outside, you MUST wear your winter coat, boots, hat and gloves. You’re spring jacket WILL not be interchangeable in this matter. Wow! I think I’ve outdone myself on that one. That’s just cruel.
9) You must eat healthy food. Pop and Twinkies are not listed on the food pyramid and in fact are banned from this house. Why? Because I live to torture you. Reason enough.
10) No throwing of hard objects at another persons head. This includes but is not limited to: Legos, trucks, books, Wii remotes, TV remotes, furniture or anything that is not bolted down to the floor. I’m the only one allowed to torture people in this house. I know, I’m the meanest Mom ever.
What nonsense rules do you have at your house?